By BROOKE BARRETT, LCMHC
As the holidays have approached, I received several questions regarding this topic and decided to combine them into some next steps.
The holidays are a beautiful time…Lights, food, community, and the sudden return of family dynamics we thought we healed from back in June. If you’re already feeling nervous about certain relatives, the long drives, or the emotional landmines that only show up this time of year…you’re not alone. Here’s a down-to-earth guide to help you get through it with your peace (and humor) intact.
1. Start With a Quick Self-Check (Before You Walk Into the Chaos)
Ask yourself:
-How am I feeling? Overwhelmed? Fine? Hungry? Spiritually exhausted?
-What do I need right now? A deep breath? A minute in the car? A snack so you don’t enter the house already irritated?
**Why this helps: Showing up calm is easier than calming down after you’re already triggered. Plus, nobody makes good decisions when their blood sugar is low.
2. Set Personal Limits (Quietly, in Your Own Mind..Not like you’re at Tribal Council)
You don’t need to announce your boundaries like you’re speaking at Tribal Council….just know them for yourself.
Think ahead:
-Topics I’m skipping: politics, “When are you having another baby?” and anything involving your childhood.
-People I’ll limit time with: you know exactly who.
-Amount of emotional labor I’m willing to do: somewhere between 0 and “I’ll nod politely, but that’s all.”
**Why this helps: Going in with a plan saves you from being blindsided by a conversation you absolutely did not have the emotional bandwidth for.
3. Use Micro-Exits Like a Ninja
You don’t need a dramatic “I CAN’T DO THIS” moment. Try micro-breaks instead:
-“I’m going to check on the rolls.”
-“Be right back—I need some air.”
-“Let me go play with the kids for a sec.”
-Classic: “Bathroom.” (No one questions the bathroom.)
**Why this helps: These tiny escapes let you reset your nervous system before it hits full “flight mode.”
4. Be Honest About Expectations
Many of us hope family gatherings will magically be different this year..warmer, easier, more respectful. But if they’ve been the same every year since 2004…they probably aren’t changing today.
Ask yourself:
-What am I hoping for?
-Based on history…is that likely?
**Why this helps: Reality saves heartbreak. And sometimes “pretty good” is actually great.
5. Keep a Few Neutral (but Powerful) Phrases Ready
When conversations drift into territory you’re not touching this year, try:
“Let’s switch topics.”
“I hear you, but I’m stepping out for a minute.”
“Interesting! Anyway…” (A personal favorite because it works.)
**Why this helps: Scripts keep your brain from panicking when someone brings up something wildly unnecessary.
6. Notice the Old Family Role You Slide Into
Almost everyone becomes a past version of themselves around family:
The peacemaker–The fixer–The listener–The one who does all the work–The one people vent to–and my personal favorite… the one who holds the baby the entire time
Ask yourself:
What role do I fall back into? Do I actually want to do that this year?
**Why this helps: You’re allowed to show up as your present-day self, not the 13-year-old version your family remembers.
7. Plan a Simple Reset Afterward
Even good gatherings can leave you drained. Decide ahead of time what helps you unwind:
-A quiet evening at home
-A walk outside
-A hot shower
-Calling a friend who “gets it”
-Total silence, phone on airplane mode
Why this helps: You deserve time to come back to yourself. Holidays are supposed to be meaningful…not emotionally depleting.
Final Thought
The holidays aren’t about performing, fixing, or managing everyone else’s feelings. They’re about connection, rest, culture, community, and showing up as your real self.
If you can stay grounded, use a little humor, set small boundaries, and take breaks when needed…you’ll handle the season better than you think.
And remember: sometimes the most healing thing you can do is simply say, “I’ll be right back,” step outside, breathe, and return when you’re ready. This is the season to slow down. I will hold your hand metaphorically while I say this…If you read this article and think “ I am not doing any of that”…You might be the one stressing out everyone else around you. In that case, start with step one at the top..Happy Holidays.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911
