By BROOKE BARRETT, LMCHC
Question: How do you forgive someone when you’re still hurt by what they did? Everyone is saying I am being sensitive and need to get over it so we can go back to normal. I don’t want to hold a grudge, but I also don’t feel like I can pretend everything is fine.
I think we’ve gotten a little too comfortable telling people to forgive.
We hear it all the time. “Be the bigger person.” “Life’s too short to hold grudges.” “You have to forgive to move on.” And while I understand the intention behind these statements, I think we sometimes overlook what we’re actually asking of someone who has been hurt.
We’re asking them to move forward, sometimes before they’ve even had the chance to make sense of what happened.
I see this especially in people who are naturally empathetic. They’re often so good at understanding everyone else’s perspective that they struggle to even acknowledge their own. They can tell you exactly why someone behaved the way they did, what that person has been through, and why they probably didn’t mean to cause harm. But when I ask how they felt about what happened, that’s sometimes a much harder question to answer.
Understanding why someone hurt you doesn’t make what they did hurt any less.
There is this notion that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, even when someone lacks accountability. It’s like we’ve almost turned forgiveness into another responsibility for the person who was hurt.
Pause and think about that for a moment. Someone hurts you, and somehow you end up being the one responsible for making everyone comfortable again.
And sometimes, we participate in that without even realizing it.
We tell ourselves we’re overreacting. We minimize what happened. We convince ourselves that holding on to anger is unhealthy, so we rush to make peace before we’ve actually processed anything. But anger isn’t always something we need to get rid of. It actually can be telling us something important sometimes. Maybe a boundary was crossed. Maybe we weren’t treated with respect. Maybe we’re still waiting for someone to acknowledge what happened.
That doesn’t mean we should live in anger, but it does mean we can listen to it.
I also think it’s important to separate forgiveness from reconciliation. You can wish someone well and still decide that the relationship isn’t healthy for you. You can accept an apology without falling into old dynamics. And you can move forward with your life without pretending something didn’t happen.
Forgiveness doesn’t automatically repair a relationship. Accountability, changed behavior, and consistency are what help rebuild trust.
If you grew up believing that keeping the peace was more important than expressing hurt, this can be difficult. Sometimes what we’ve called “forgiveness” has actually been avoiding conflict, suppressing your feelings, or putting everyone else’s comfort ahead of your own.
So rather than asking yourself why you haven’t forgiven someone yet, I’d encourage you to ask a different question:
Am I actually ready to forgive, or am I just uncomfortable with the fact that I’m still hurt?
If you’re struggling to forgive someone, here are a few things I’d encourage you to try:
- Get honest about what hurt. Instead of immediately trying to understand or justify the other person’s behavior, take some time to acknowledge your own experience. What happened, and how did it affect you?
- Pay attention to what you’re still needing. Is it an apology? Changed behavior? A boundary? Sometimes what feels like an inability to forgive is actually an unmet need that hasn’t been acknowledged.
- Ask yourself whose comfort you’re protecting. Are you ready to move forward, or are you feeling pressure to make things okay so someone else doesn’t have to sit with the discomfort?
- Give yourself permission to take your time. You don’t have to make a permanent decision about forgiveness today. You can work toward healing without knowing exactly what your relationship with that person will look like.
- Focus on healing rather than forgiveness. Instead of making forgiveness the goal, consider what would help you feel more at peace, secure, and connected to yourself. Those things are worth working toward, whether forgiveness happens or not.
I’m not suggesting that forgiveness is a bad thing. For many people, it can be incredibly meaningful and freeing. But I don’t believe it should be something we force ourselves into because we think that’s what a healthy or emotionally mature person would do. Trauma may help explain someone’s behavior, but it doesn’t excuse the harm they cause. Plenty of people have experienced significant trauma and still make the conscious choice not to inflict that same pain on the people they love. Compassion for someone’s past shouldn’t require you to minimize your own pain to move forward.
You are allowed to need time. You’re allowed to have boundaries. And you’re allowed to recognize that someone can have their own struggles AND still be responsible for how they treated you.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911
