By BROOKE BARRETT, LMCHC
There is a kind of grief that people often underestimate until they experience it themselves: losing a pet.
For many people, pets are not “just animals.” They are the family you actually get to choose! They greet us at the door, follow us from room to room, sit beside us during hard moments, and quietly become part of what feels like home. So when they are gone, the loss can feel shockingly overwhelming.
Psychologists sometimes call this “disenfranchised grief”…a grief that is real and painful, but not always fully understood by others. People may hear things like, “You can always get another dog,” but grief is not about replacement. It is about attachment, routine, comfort, and love.
Our nervous systems grow attached to their presence. That is why people often still think they hear paws on the floor or instinctively look toward their favorite sleeping spot after they are gone. The body remembers the connection even before the mind fully adjusts to the loss.
Pet loss also brings guilt for many people:
“Did I do enough?”
“Did they know how loved they were?”
“Could I have done something differently?”
These thoughts are incredibly common in grief. When we love deeply, the mind searches for answers after loss.
But love is not measured by whether we could keep someone forever. Love is measured in the ordinary moments shared over time: the walks, the routines, the comfort, the companionship, and the feeling of never being alone.
If You Are Grieving the Loss of a Pet
Allow yourself to grieve fully without minimizing the loss. Losing a pet can impact routines, emotional regulation, and the sense of comfort we experience at home. Talk about them, look through photos, create a small memorial, or continue rituals that help you feel connected to their memory. Most importantly, resist the urge to judge the depth of your grief. Love and attachment are real, regardless of species.
If Someone You Love Lost a Pet
Do not minimize the loss or rush someone to “move on.” Avoid phrases like, “You can always get another one.” Instead, acknowledge the bond they had with their pet. Simple statements like, “I know how much they meant to you,” or “I’m so sorry,” often matter more than trying to fix the pain. Grief is less about having the right words and more about helping someone feel seen in their loss.
This week, I want to dedicate this column to my friend as she grieves the loss of her dog, Samson. Anyone who has loved a pet understands this kind of heartbreak.
They may only be part of our lives for a chapter, but to them, we were their whole world.
And maybe that is the gift animals leave behind: the reminder that love does not have to be complicated to be life-changing. Sometimes the purest love we experience is simply being greeted at the door, chosen every day, and loved without conditions. Just for who we are.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911.
