By BROOKE BARRETT, LMCHC
Question: My husband and I argue in front of our kids sometimes. We end up yelling at each other before we even realize what’s happening. I feel horrible about it afterwards and I worry we’re messing them up. What should I do?
Most couples argue. Really. Before answering your question regarding children, I want to provide some information on healthy conflict since it’s the foundation of what you are building from. Take a moment to reflect on the following statements by finishing the sentence:
“When my parents/caregivers argued they would…”
“I knew my parents/caregivers had forgiven each other when they…”
Whatever we grew up with often becomes our first idea of what conflict is supposed to look like.
Research suggests the average couple has about one to two disagreements each week, and many have even more little disagreements over things like dishes, money, parenting, or whose turn it is to pick up dinner. The healthiest marriages aren’t the ones that NEVER argue, they’re the ones that know HOW to argue.
A lot of us didn’t grow up seeing that.
Maybe the adults in your house yelled. Maybe they shut down and didn’t speak for days. Maybe everyone acted like everything was fine while the whole house walked on egg shells.
The good news? We can learn something different.
Here are a few simple “ground rules” for healthy disagreements:
- Remember you’re on the same team. The problem is the problem, not your partner.
- Stick to one issue. Don’t bring up every mistake from the last ten years.
- No name-calling, insults, or personal attacks.
- Take turns talking. Listen to understand, not just to respond.
- If emotions get too high, take a break. It’s okay to step away for 20–30 minutes, as long as you come back and finish the conversation.
- Don’t try to “win.” Try to understand. There is no “winning” if one partner is silenced for the relationship to work
- Avoid Permanent Statements. Think sentences that start with “You never” or “You always” Instead, try “I statements”.
You don’t have to agree on everything. You just both need to feel heard.
One of my favorite ideas in therapy is something called Rupture and Repair.
A rupture is simply a moment when you hurt each other. Maybe someone gets defensive. Maybe feelings get hurt. Maybe you snap after a long day.
Repair is what happens next.
It’s the apology. The hug. The conversation after everyone has calmed down.
The, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it that way.”
Here’s why that matters so much if you have kids.
Many parents try hard to make sure their children never see them argue. While it’s important to protect children from screaming matches, threats, or cruel behavior, they actually don’t need parents who never disagree.
They need parents who know how to make things right.
When children see healthy repair, they’re learning one of life’s biggest lessons. People who love each other can have hard moments and still come back together.
They learn that saying, “I’m sorry,” isn’t a weakness. They learn that forgiveness is possible. They learn that relationships don’t have to end every time someone makes a mistake.
For many Cherokee families and honestly, many families in general we’re also carrying generations of hurt that shaped how people communicated. Some families avoided conflict altogether. Others only knew how to express it through anger or toxic behaviors. Neither one teaches children what a healthy disagreement looks like.
Healing isn’t about never arguing.
It’s about showing the next generation a better way.
So, if your child overhears a disagreement, don’t panic. What matters most is what they see afterward. Take the sentences I asked you in the beginning of the article. Go ahead, ask your trusted friends/relatives or children to answer them and this will help give you an understanding of how you currently show up in conflict. Do they see two adults take responsibility? Do they hear someone say, “I was wrong”? Do they see kindness come back into the room?
Those moments may teach them more about healthy relationships than never seeing conflict at all.
Your children will probably forget what you argued about. They’ll remember how you treated each other while you disagreed.
They aren’t looking for perfect parents. They’re looking for parents who show them that love is strong enough to repair what conflict can sometimes break.
And maybe that’s one of the greatest gifts we can give the next generation. Not a family that never has conflict, but a family that knows how to come back together after it.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911.
