By BROOKE BARRETT, LMCHC
Question:
I grew up here. People know me or my family. Everyone is friendly, but no one is actually inviting me to things. I feel lonely, which makes no sense because I’m not new here. What do I do? How do you make friends as an adult, it feels pathetic even asking this?
Answer:
YEP…the small-town fame without the small-town friends. The kind of life where you can’t go to the grocery store without someone saying, “I’ve known you since you were little!” but somehow no one knows you well enough to text and say “want to grab some lunch today?”
I have been working as a therapist in our community for almost 8 years and the truth is, over half my clients at some point felt the exact same way. There is nothing pathetic about wanting to make more connections as an adult. In fact about 1 in 2 adults report feeling lonely today and research shows lacking social connection can impact your health as much as smoking. Connection isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity for your wellbeing.
Here’s the disconnect:
Being known is not the same as being connected.
Small towns are great at remembering your name, your family, and your childhood nickname you’d prefer we all forget.
They’re not as great at asking:
“Who are you now?”
So people assume:
You already have your people
You’re still close with old friends
You’re “covered” socially
Meanwhile, you’re like:
“I actually have no one to call, but thank you for asking about my grandpa’s dog that was sick last week”
What To Do
- Stop waiting to be “rediscovered.”: People aren’t going to suddenly realize you need a different connection. You’ll have to go first sometimes. Yes, it’s annoying but required.
- Build outside your old identity: If you keep trying to connect through people who knew you growing up, you’ll stay stuck as that version of you. Find people who only know this version.
- Look for people who are also in-between: They’re there. The ones lingering, not fully in a group, also wondering how to break in. That’s your crowd.
- And here’s the honest and often painful truth: If you’re the most comfortable, most known, most “put together” person in all your circles…you might be in the wrong circles. Or at least, ones that aren’t stretching you.
Real connection and real growth usually happens when you’re around people who:
challenge you expand you and don’t already have you figured out from 2007 when you were in your emo phase (or is that just me)
Final thought:
Small towns will always know where you came from. But, that doesn’t mean you have to be that same person
You’re allowed to build a new community for yourself even if it starts with one slightly awkward,
“Hey… we should actually hang out sometime when are you free.”…and then you actually mean it.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911
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