How adult children can reconnect (or not) after addiction
Brooke Barrett, LCMHC
By BROOKE BARRETT, LCMHC
Question:
“I’m the adult child of parents in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. I was not raised by them, but would like to establish a healthy relationship with them after years of distance since they are doing well and wanting a connection with me. How do I best go about approaching this?”
Answer:
First, I want to acknowledge how common and complicated this situation is. It took courage to ask this question and sounds like you are going into it very mindful. You’re definitely NOT ALONE. According to the National Association for Children of Addiction, 1 in 4 children in the U.S. grow up in a home impacted by substance use. Many of those children grow into adults who face this same question: Where do we even begin now after all this time?
The truth is: healing is possible, but it takes both parties.
Recovery may open the door to repair, but building a relationship now requires patience, honesty, and mutual effort not just as parent and child, but as two adults learning to connect in a new way.
Think of it like planting a garden after a drought. You can’t rush it. There may be moments of progress, awkwardness, and unexpected emotions along the way. All of that is normal.
Here are some tangible ways you can begin:
1. Start small and stay curious
You don’t need to have a big emotional conversation right away especially if that seems scary to navigate. Begin with low-pressure situations like a phone call, getting lunch, or texting about everyday life. Let the relationship grow at its own pace if it feels right.
2. “Boundaries” is a popular word these days, but it’s often misunderstood.
Boundaries aren’t about making demands or punishing people; they’re about protecting relationships by being honest about your own needs. When you stay at a hotel or Airbnb, it has rules in place so that you know what is expected of you when you stay. It wouldn’t make sense for a hotel to be upset with you for breaking a rule you didn’t even know existed? Boundaries are that. The things we need in a relationship for us to be our best selves.
Think of a boundary as saying:
“I’m open to this relationship, but I need to move at a pace that feels safe for me.”
How do you identify your boundaries?
A good starting point is to check in with yourself:
- What am I comfortable with right now?
- What feels too fast or overwhelming?
- What do I need to feel safe in this connection?
If something feels heavy in your body…tight chest, racing thoughts, or constant anxiety…that’s often a sign you’ve crossed your own boundary or someone else has.
More guidance on healthy boundaries is listed at the end of this article.
3. Name the awkwardness
Relationships after addiction and estrangement often feel clumsy at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It’s okay to say:
“This feels new for me, and I’m learning as I go.”
Sometimes naming the discomfort helps ease it. No one expects you to be an expert of navigating this because the truth is, it’s different for everyone. Removing this pressure can help you be more present in the moment.
4. Get support for yourself
You don’t have to carry this alone. Groups like Al-Anon, ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), therapy, or community talking circles offer space to process grief, anger, and hope as you reconnect. Healing old family wounds while building something new is emotional work and support matters. Most offer virtual meetings online if you don’t want to go in person.
5. Know your limits
Sometimes, even after recovery, a relationship remains harmful or one-sided. If reconnecting causes more harm than healing, it’s okay to choose distance. Loving someone from afar can be a healthy, self-protective choice. If the relationship is not in line with what you value individually and within your own family, it might not be a good fit for now. You have the power to choose.
In summary:
If you’re reading this and find yourself in a similar situation, remember: repairing family ties is possible, but it has to be mutual. You’re allowed to hope. You’re also allowed to protect your peace. Having clear expectations of your needs and communicating them is a foundation here and no one expects you to be an expert of how to navigate this without feeling a range of emotions as they arise. The beauty is you have choice, and there are no “right or wrong decisions”. Just decisions that will then spark more decisions. I wish you luck navigating this journey, and encourage you to not do it alone.
Want to learn more about setting boundaries?
A helpful resource is “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Identifying the things you value can also be a good start. Brene Brown’s Values List can be a helpful tool.
You can also check out Al-Anon or ACA for tools on navigating relationships after addiction.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911
Sources:
- National Association for Children of Addiction: 1 in 4 children in the U.S. live with a parent who struggles with substance use.
- SAMHSA reports over 22 million Americans are in recovery from substance use, meaning millions of families are navigating reunion and repair.
