By BROOKE BARRETT, LCMHC
Question: My friend recently had a miscarriage, and her family’s acting like she should just move on. They’re not giving her any support. How can I be there for her? Are there tips or resources I can share to help her through this?
Answer:
I’m really glad you asked this. Miscarriage is far more common than many people realize. About 1 in 4 known pregnancies ends in miscarriage. That means if you think of four women in your life: friends, coworkers, neighbors, family, statistically, one of them has likely experienced a miscarriage. But unlike a tragedy the whole community sees and gathers around, miscarriage is often invisible. It’s a deeply personal loss that can happen silently, with few people even knowing it occurred. This quietness can make it feel especially lonely, especially in a culture that doesn’t always know how to acknowledge grief that can’t be seen. When someone experiences a miscarriage, it’s not just a medical event, it’s often the loss of something deeply personal: a baby, a future, a dream. And when family or friends act like it shouldn’t be a big deal or expect someone to be “fine” quickly, that pain can feel even heavier. It sounds like you are wanting to navigate supporting someone and offering what means the most in this time…connection.
Your friend may be grieving in silence while the world keeps moving. Simply knowing that someone sees her pain and wants to be there can be incredibly healing in itself. Oftentimes grief is so uncomfortable for people that they treat it like a sickness or plague that they must avoid at all costs so they don’t catch it too. It’s lonely and isolating to grieve alone, we aren’t meant to do it that way.
What Grief Really Looks Like
Most people have heard of the Stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. What you might not know is it isn’t linear and doesn’t actually follow a neat path. It’s not something you move through like a checklist. It comes in waves. Some days might feel lighter, and others hit out of nowhere. That’s all normal.
There’s also no finish line where you suddenly feel healed and balloons fall from the sky that say “Congratulations you are finished grieving now, good job!” AND grief won’t consume your entire being forever, either. Over time, it softens. You learn how to carry it. It becomes part of your story, but not the whole thing.
The Quiet After the Storm
One of the hardest parts of grief happens AFTER the first few weeks. In the beginning, people may send texts or meals. But then the check-ins slow down, and everyone else moves on. For the person grieving, though, that’s often when it starts to feel the most lonely. Like everyone else can go back to their worlds while you are still piecing what’s left of yours together.
Even a small gesture like a text weeks or months later that says “I’m thinking of you” can mean so much.
What Not to Say (Even If You Mean Well)
People often want to help but accidentally say things that hurt. Your friend might hear:
“At least it was early.”
“You can try again.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You should move on.”
These comments can make someone feel like their grief doesn’t matter. Instead, try:
“I’m so sorry.”
“This really hurts.”
“You’re not alone.”
“I’m here if you want to talk or just sit.”
You don’t need perfect words. Your care is what matters most and naming the reality instead of tiptoeing around it can be most helpful.
Ways You Can Support Her
- Acknowledge the loss. If she had a name or nickname for the baby, use it if your friend finds comfort in that. That recognition can be deeply meaningful.
- Offer specific help. Bring a meal, walk together, offer to watch her other kids. Concrete actions are easier to receive than “Let me know if you need anything.” In the thick of grieving, don’t ask someone to create a To Do list for you on top of everything else they are navigating.
- Stick around. Grief doesn’t end after a few weeks. A simple check-in later on especially around her due date or holidays can offer comfort.
- Let her lead. She may want to talk, or not. Just being there without pressure is enough.
If You Are the One Grieving
If you’re the one going through this loss, here’s what I want you to know:
What you feel is real. There is no “right” way to grieve. Some days you might cry, some days feel numb.
You’re allowed to rest. Grief is heavy it’s okay to slow down.
You’re not broken. You’re responding to something deeply painful.
You are not alone. Others have walked this path and survived. You will, too.
Summary
Grief is messy and there is no right way to do it. If you are the one grieving, there isn’t a final stage where everything is back to normal, but there is a place where your grief softens and life becomes more livable again. The bottom line: Grief isn’t a detour, it’s part of being human. Whether you’re walking through it yourself or supporting someone else, remember this: it won’t always hurt this much. The pain changes shape. And through connection, presence, and time, you’ll carry it with more ease and more meaning. As Francis Weller writes in The Wild Edge of Sorrow:
“Grief is not a feeling; it is a capacity. As we grow our heart’s ability to hold sorrow, we grow our ability to hold joy, gratitude, and beauty. They live in the same bowl.”
Grieving isn’t something to get over, it’s something to honor. And in doing so, we stay open to love, even after loss. And you might even have a friend that cares so deeply for you, they reached out to Ask a Therapist so they could find ways to help you know you aren’t alone.
—Brooke
Helpful Resources
-“The Miscarriage Map” by Dr. Sunita Osborn: A gentle, honest book about healing after pregnancy loss
-Therapist search words : Use PsychologyToday.com to find a therapist who specializes in grief, trauma, or perinatal loss
Sources:
Mayo Clinic Press. (n.d.). Why do miscarriages happen? Mayo Clinic Press. Retrieved August 5, 2025, from https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/pregnancy/why-do-miscarriages-happen/
Weller, F. (2015). The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of renewal and the sacred work of grief. North Atlantic Books.
Have a mental health or relationship question? Submit anonymously to Ask a Therapist at asktherapistbrooke@gmail.com. Your question might help others too.
**This column is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or dial 911
